It never is.
Long story short, I had a major depressive phase that lasted longer and was a deeper hole I fell into than I expected in the first place.
I rarely talk about my mental issues here on the blog so if you don’t know me off the web the whole me-and-a-depression thing might be a somewhat new thought for you. Anyway, I managed to keep going these past weeks. I went to work, I finished commissions, I hung out with friends – well, Scoundrel and Rusty, to whom both I’m really grateful for being there for me during the last month.
There was just no energy left for blogging (Or vlogging. Or just keeping up with subscribed channels, reading other blogs or maintaining the Changeling forum…) after I somehow maintained my daily life.
I had to turn down an invitation I’d really looked forward to rather last-minute because of all of this, having to cancel my bus tickets the same day they were booked for thanks to the lack of any emotion that felt valid. I felt like something you’d dragged out of the sewer. I didn’t do anything outside my home except for work and to immerse myself in Rusty’s bathtub (because I have fantastic friends who let me borrow their bathtubs) while he was out for the night.
I neglected all means of communication save for those messages that I had to answer or write, like to my boss or for organisational LARP stuff. Chronicles of Mythodea had me out of my slump for a few days and full of joy and adrenaline but afterwards the black hole and the emotional equivalent of watching white wall paint dry came back with full force.
Eventually one of my favourite YouTubers announced a break from the platform. Finally I realised that I was taking a break myself because I needed it before I could produce content again, and by that I mean content that wouldn’t feel forced of half-hearted.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been absent for this long from this blog – through all previous troubles I’ve just kept on writing and taking pictures and posting and eventually the depression would fade again, as it always does.
I’ve been described as a ray of sunshine more than once, and that’s what I want to be. Depression dims my shine from time to time and then I’ve got to recharge. And that’s what I did.
Thanks for your patience while the clouds passed by.
I’m a fucking ray of sunshine, and I’m back, stronger and warmer and merrier than before.
It feels good to shine again.